i miss chau :( *sigh* wish i had confessed earlier.. maybe this would have never happened ... ahh so many "What ifs" .. too late now

i really want to talk to u... i really do.. :[

juan had told me... "if you're on the friends ladder you will NEVER (99%) be on the good ladder" .. which i didnt get so julie explained it and said "some people can think of people very early in their relationship/friendship if you will stay on the friend's ladder for life or if you have potential to be a bf." then juan said "this is exactly why boys can NEVER be friends with girls that they're attracted to :]"

how do u just go straight into chasing a person? i dont get it... i thought it was best to get to know them and stuff first... then do it? have i been doing it wrong this entire time? i thought it was better to know them first ... ive never been like "OH MAN I WANNA GO OUT WITH THAT GIRL" the second i meet them... so weird...

iunoe what to think of it right now.. either dofu really cares about me that she even asked george to ask leng and victor to find out where/how i was or iunoe.. wonder how awkward that was for george >_>

wonder how vi found out too... or chau...

i didnt really want to see anyone today... i avoided seeing/talking to vi at/after class and went straight home, not even going to my boss' house like i had first agreed to doing earlier on the week. Leng asked me to go tennis which i had agreed to maybe help let go some steam... would have probably been bad for him tho, having to be on the receiving side of full powered shots until i got tired or injured myself.. but in the end, ended up lookin at houses with him and eliza... then going to dinner with judy.. for the first time today, they got me to smile and laugh again.. it was nice.. later i found out apparently george? called victor at like 1 or 2, waking him up, and contacting me (but completely i was unaware of this cuz phone was no where near me)..

talkin to judy and eliza... i guess helped a bit.. feel a bit better now.. victor drove me home b/c leng had to take eliza home asap (curfew).. it was majority a quiet ride.. i found myself zoning out not really focusing on anything lookin out the window.. then later finding tears forming in my eyes.. victor asked me if i was still gonna try asking chau out... i didnt have an answer.. i really didnt know. then he was like... "u should move on ... go for judy.. shes kinda cute" im like wth -.-" besides leng already had asked eliza is judy had a bf but said she already had an eye on another.. im pretty sure he was indirectly telling me that info >_> eh iunoe.. shes nice.. cute too. korean.. smart funny.. but .. only have seen her a total of like 2 times.. and i only met her like last week at eliza's bday.. too early to know and besides.. my mind is still on chau =[ and probably will be for a while, no matter if i do anything or not..

iunoe.. will see.. let time pass.. chau's working till her vacation anyway.. take her to airport... will think about this after next weeks exam and final... so after she comes back pretty much to see what to do =3

but for the most part.. im alive.. im eating.. not really talkin to anyone >_> but eh on the bright side, im studying more? >_> maybe? without having to be able to *put hands on keyboard and automatically go facebook.com *enter**

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on the side note... i do miss talkin to chau or dofu... but iunoe how i can talk to chau with that open relationship thing twindling around my head like a disease.. dofu... shes probably gonna call me stupid or something for acting this way =/

wtf does "open relationship" mean anyway? whats with all those stupid status' facebook has now.. what happened to the simple single, in a relationship, engaged, married... whats with all the its complicated, open relationship, or some shit like that

so i noticed it was kind of a bad idea to throw my phone and laptop to the corner of the room last nite... kept sitting around... or waking up to find out what time it is cuz i wasnt sure what time it was.. and was scared i might not hear the alarm..

last night... i had really missed my grandmother... i wished she could teach me what i should do... =/ guess im not really street smart as i had thought.. noticed i was quite stupid actually after all this has happened... i dont know what to do anymore :(

funny how the who people im with the most did notice .. as well as dofu .. but one who i was talking to earlier .. didnt say anything =/ *sigh* ever since the shower... and deactivating facebook, i sat in my bedroom all night .. wondering what i had done wrong.. why this happens to me..

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so today is my chinese birthday according to my mom ... gotta eat vegetarian =[ supposedly im supposed to eat for a month but my mom does it for me.. for good luck i guess or something.. guess no banh mi for breakfast for me.. iunoe waht to eat now..

i was lookin forward to using the lee's mayo and liver pate chau had told me about that i bought yesterday too =/ *sigh* well happy chinese birthday to me ;_;

wow ryan really? fuk u. i give up. at one point, i had trusted you. sometimes actually had fun talkin to u, even tho u had some annoying points in time..

i dont care anymore. i dont want to know. throw away the present i had found for her after lookin for so long. bday dinner.. asking her out after dinner .. even tried seeing if theres something i could do that could have some drama-like way of asking too.. i know this is just asking u out but i wanted to make it really special.. ... whatever i dont care anymore...

came back home from tennis and saw that.. i couldnt breathe.. when i showered.. i had to stand there, water rushing down my face and body.. propping myself against the wall.. just to breathe... i cant take it anymore..

all those times ive been nice to you.. cared for u.. all the fun times we had.. conversations.. i really tried chau.. i really did.. i dont even know what to say more.. i cant even tell if it was water runin down my face or if it was tears..

MIA i go.. for the first time... even deactivating fb cuz i dont even want to see it.. even as i type this, im having trouble breathing cuz this .. this was way .. way too sudden..

im sorry..

believe or not believe.. to have come up with such an idea fully knowing the effects i believe is completely intentional.

people had told me to stop goin for u... cuz it was unequal.. not worth it... shes not good enough for me.. whatever people said.. i didnt care... to me she was worth it.. i kept trying.. toh fah geep.. not a good year to look for relationship a fortune thing had said.. i didnt believe it and kept trying... look where it got me.. got nothin out of it but a crushed heart.. what i do to deserve this? im a good guy right? im nice right? im a good friend right? how come this happens :(

but who am i kidding no one reads this stupid thing anyway.. who am i even talkin to -.-

Heh horoscope said if I'm looking for love, now is the time to get serious about my quest.

dot dot dot. I want to but I don't want to fail not I don't want her to think I'm "binding" her in any way before her long awaited trip to hawaii with dofu.

Going to go trade show again after class tomorrow and hope I can find something.. Something nice I can give her for her birthday. The only thing I saw on sunday was this charm bracelet but it had a heart in it. Not like a charm dangling off it but in the physical chain inter locked. I didn't see any charms at that booth tho. Very weird.

I really wanted to take her to bradley ogden for her birthday but at this rate, with work post poned.. I don't think I can afford it.. :( my original plan was work a lot up to her b-day then i can do it but things happened :[ im sure she wont be that sad if at all that we wont be able to go but i feel bad that i said id take her there but end up not :/

maybe ill consider alize or flemmings. maybe those two would be cheaper :3 ... damn as always.. those top restaurants dont have PRICES D: alize has prices but they are like.. mid 40s for entrees.. then 15 each dessert. =3

i know expensive isnt always the good thing to go but thought it would have been a nice experience. i really enjoyed dinner at TdB with her.. food was great.. she was beautiful sitting across from me.. =3 what more could i have asked for? shes probably gonna complain about having to buy another dress again and spend a lot lol.. maybe i can convince her to go to a cheaper one that doesnt have a dress code? :P ahha

nah.... i was thinkin maybe ill ask her out after dinner. have a nice romantic candle light dinner... dessert to sweeten up the mood... pull out a case or something with a necklace or something and ask her =3 i know its kind of cheesy but eh.. i cant do that balloon trick... on. either movies/series LOL and its not like im proposing.. no ring needed.. but i thought it be nice to give her something nice for her birthday :]

we will see..

hm. so i went to trade show yesterday in hopes to find something nice for chau. and dofu. and vi. i couldn't find anything. im sad :( but i did run into this booth at the beginning that did wooden roses.. wonder if i should make like a big bouquet :o :D the first bouquet i ever made worked out.. 2nd one for ariel failed... 3rd times a charm? XD im tryin to decide what # of roses to do. dofu said 38.. good numbers? xD

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had a weird dream last night.. i was watching some movie or drama or something... and before i knew it.. i was in the movie in place of teh guy... i kissed the girl in the movie (that was where the movie was at) and went down to her neck and started kissing it.. then when i went back up, she became chau o.O iunoe at this point right now, i think im.. kinda over obsessive? iunoe would u call it that if u think of someone whos not ur gf but want to potentially be ur gf... always thinkin of them and consider them in almost anything u do (that u can consider anyway...) i dont know.. then i woke up xD

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was tryin to find a nice b-day present for chau. maybe ill stop by there again wednesday after class.. i had an idea about getting like a cute pendant and chain .. not a heart one but maybe the shape of an animal or something? maybe she'll wear it? iunoe.. its so hard to look in the jewelry section at the trade show.. everything sparkles... and the lights are so bright.. your eyes hurt after a while :( either silver necklace and pendant.. or a charm bracelet... or a spinny ring that she's wanted for a while lol.. couldn't find anything :[

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for some reason dofu stopped talkin earlier and said she was a bit annoyed on fb... she was lookin at presents for chau but she was saying she had no money so i joked about cancelling a trip (obviously not the hawaii one shes about to go on with chau) but she was like.. the money doesnt go back to my account.. i was like you can use it later in another future trip! then shes like, just for your suggestion, im going to canada.. im pretty sure she knows how annoyed i am about her always talkin about jason when shes in a relationship with paul.. i have come to mostly accept paul being with dofu but now all she really talks about is jason this jason that... then after she said that.. i was like after that trip, you going to definitely spend more than that... abortion.. then shes like wow wth thats not funny.. then she hasnt said anything since.. but what else can i think.. all u talk about is jason.. he sent u a gift.. u both went from little to no feelings to maybe liking each other right now.. what do i say to that :( i really hope you'd be able to change one day.. this is one of the traits i really dont like... =[ taai.. uhm.. fah sum ah.. while with one person, ur thinkin about another.. very bad.. =[ i could never do that.. to be able to be with someone, for me, is like a gift.. i take em for granted and will never EVER do anything to harm it.. iunoe thats just me.. i dont like cheating or anything of the sort.. hearing what had happened to chau b/c of what george did really hurts.. that she had to go thru something like that.. and to still talk to him now.. that's quite brave.. =/ i wish there was some way i can ensure her.. i would never do something like that to her.. i would never think of it.. never consider it.. never even try. ill protect her with all of my power to any extent i can.. =/ sure its easy enough to type it but to have to say it to her in person is completely different.. every time i think/talk about asking her out to like dofu, my heart begins to speed up... =/ if only she reads this.. then i wouldnt have to at all... but what strength would that have from text.. words that had been typed out... and read by another.. =/ life isnt so easy =[ its been said this year is gonna be quite bad in terms of relationships for uhm.. rabbits.. toh fah geep.. i dont quite understand the full meaning of that phrase but its probably along the lines of dont get into relationships.. or if u are in one, it wont end well. or something like that.. =/ but im still trying.. i really had planned to ask her last week on friday if we had went to snow ono... but she didnt end up going because she had errands to do with her grandma... then sunday that she had off, she dyed her hair and didnt make it to lunch =[... *sigh* i dont know what to do.. i wish i did...or had something i can find out how she feels... right now.. i really dont know what she is thinking.. or feeling.. =/ i wish she had a blog that she wrote things out but didnt like give it out.. but i still somehow found it and read it.. wouldn't life be great then? =[

but back to the topic about dofu.. if what i had said really did annoy you, i really am sorry :( i didn't mean to make u unhappy, or annoyed. =/ *sigh* hei mong nei gum man fun yeun, ting yut wui mong gei la.. =[